When words are both weapon and salve for the wound

She wasn’t the first to receive a lashing from my tongue today. Razors on my lips, cutting little tender hearts. “What are you doing?! You’re standing right by Lucia’s door and shouting! If you wake her up I am not going to be happy!”


“Mommy, don’t ever talk to me like that!” The quiver in her lip reveals the damage I’ve done, but I hear the anger in her voice and call it rebellion.


My fuse has already been lit, and I could close my mouth, but I don’t. Isn’t my own rebellion really the fuel for this fire seeking to destroy us both?


“Don’t you ever tell me what to do!” My voice is large and powerful, but inside I wince even as I’m still forming the words. Oh! Where do words like these come from? That tone of voice. The daggers in my eyes.


The quivering lip can’t hold it in now, and the wounded one shrieks as she runs to her bed. Tears spill onto her pillow, as my own tears sting my eyes. The bitterness of failure biting the edges, as I struggle to see, to grasp for Grace.


She crumples on the bed, I crumple to the floor. We both quiver with liquid prayers flowing over faces and hearts.


     It’s here, right here in these moments, where I am learning to find Jesus. In the weak places. The broken places. The ones that make my heart reel and my head spin with pain over what I’ve done. When I see my sin for what it is and I cannot hide it from my eyes. 


     I’m learning to hear Him in the dark and lonely places. The places that used to make me cower in fear and shame. When that accusing voice calling me a failure as a mother sounds true, because what kind of mother talks to her daughter like that? When the tempter comes with his searing whisper “You’ve tried and you’ve failed. You’re beyond hope now.”


     But lies aren’t Truth, no matter what I feel or how I fail. And I’m beginning to see that the One who is Faithful and True has been speaking the whole time. But what He says seems so impossible, for so long I didn’t dare to believe Him.

He has clothed me with garments of salvation

and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness, Is. 61:10 

     Here in the mud and the muck of my heart, God Himself has claimed me as His own possession. Jesus paid the highest price for my freedom, all so that He can clothe me with His finest garments. 


    And yet, I’ve slipped and fallen in the mud again. Hasn’t He done enough? Hasn’t He tired of me continually needing rescuing? Shouldn’t I be stronger by now, able to walk on my own without tripping and stumbling again and again? 


      And this, THIS is the lie, the one that makes hopelessness inevitable. The lie that I am supposed to be able to do this on my own.


     When I come out of hiding, that sweet, still, small voice never fails. “Come to me.” 

Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.  Matthew 11:28-30

     The ease doesn’t come in me finding my own strength, it comes from being yoked to Him. Somehow I wandered, tried to carry a load that I thought was mine to bear alone. But as my tears and His voice draw me home, I turn my heart again to the One who is forming me into His own likeness. I have no strength to bring, only the one thing I can give, my heart. If I don't give up, I win!


     In the coming to Him, I go to her. The sobs have quieted, but her voice still shakes when I come near. Low and gentle, on my knees by her bed, I offer my sincere repentance. And she too, washed by Grace, holds me tight as we let Love heal us and repair the breach.

For more on the power of words, read Ann Voskamp's fabulous post today, 

The Gift of {Strong} Words.

The joy of salvation comes through repentance

I don’t want to construct a life that displays my earnest effort to avoid the need to repent.  I want to delight in the mercy of God and display the truth of His goodness!  


Repentance is a joy, and forgiveness is exhilarating!  


He is so good to me!  Jesus came to set me free, today!  I haven’t matured beyond my need for His mercy.  I need Him today, and I’ll need Him tomorrow.  And just because He wants to, because of who He is, He’ll be there to answer when I turn away from sin and turn to Him and ask Him to cleanse me again.  


There is no sin that can defeat me when I really bring it to Him and say “This sin is mine.  I don’t want it anymore.  Please get it out of me.  I can’t do it myself!”  JESUS WINS!  Every. Single. Time. 


http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+51&version=NKJV

A Journey in Matthew 9, via my own heart

“Son, be of good cheer; your sins are forgiven you.” (9:2, Jesus, to the paralytic man)

      I wonder what the paralytic man thought of that. Did he understand that Jesus was in that moment displaying Himself as The Son of God? Did the man know that this was his deepest need? Did he realize that he had just been given open access relationally to God in the flesh? He had just been invited into fellowship with the Holy One, God Himself! Did he even have a clue?
      I can picture myself as the paralytic man. In that moment, still lying on the mat, legs still unrenewed, completely unaware of the miracle taking place in the spirit, thinking “Dude, that’s nice…but are you gonna do something about my legs?”
      How would I respond if I was that man? Would I see the treasure of forgiveness for what it is? Would I be able to receive it? What are the things that I’m bringing before the Lord, asking Him to do for me, that may be stealing my focus from what He really wants to do in me?

“…that you may know that the Son of Man has power on earth to forgive sins…” (9:6)

      I think I’ve typically read this like “that you may know that the Son of Man has power on earth to forgive sins…”. The emphasis has been on the power. He does have power. And I do need a revelation of what that means. But in seeing His power in a different light, I think a foundational reality has somehow dimmed…that this power is unto the forgiveness of sins.
      Like a paralyzed man caring more about his legs than his soul, I come to the Lord longing for His hand in my life, yielding tangible change and “results”. I am all too aware of my weakness. I know I need forgiveness. I yearn to be washed of my sin. But is that longing for forgiveness unto restored relationship? Do I want to be free from sin so that I can engage my heart fully with the Holy Spirit? Or am I longing for an unburdened heart so that I can get on with my business more efficiently, unhindered by the consequences of sin? Am I seeking intimacy, or functionality?

“...a ruler came and worshipped Him, saying “My daughter has just died, 

but come and lay Your hand on her and she will live.” (9:18)

      In considering the story of the paralytic man, and my own tendency to seek Jesus’ power in my life for my own benefit, I am tempted to squelch that desire for evident power. Like some sort of twisted means to, by the flesh, force my flesh to submit to the Spirit. As though denying the evidence of power would somehow purify my desire for God, because I would be simply walking in the Spirit for Himself, without the possibility of my own benefit.
      But here, just a few verses later, my religious attempt at self-righteous purity of heart is exposed. Here, the ruler comes to Jesus, seeking the healing of His daughter. And this seeking, this asking for tangible power to be made manifest, is described as “{he} came and worshipped Him.”

Fisherman

     Recently I was reading through Matthew Chapter 4, which tells of Jesus calling Simon Peter and Andrew, who were fisherman. He said to them, “Follow Me, and I will make you fishers of men.” It reminded me of something the Lord spoke to my heart a couple weeks ago, and wanted to share it here with you as an encouragement.

     I was sitting by a quiet lake/pond (alone for the first time in many months!) just fellowshipping with the Lord. I was meditating on the life of Peter, and was especially pondering the time when the Lord appears to him by the sea after the resurrection (John 21, when Jesus tells them to cast the net on the right side of the boat, and they caught so many fish they couldn’t even draw in the net.)

     I hear a noise and look up to see a man several yards away, unfolding a chair and taking out a fishing pole. I think “Fancy that! A fisherman, just like Peter.” As the man prepares his hook and casts his line into the pond, the Lord drops the phrase into my heart

“One who casts a line is no less a fisherman than one who casts a net.”

     I won’t unpack all that the Lord spoke to me, but the main thing was this – in this season of my life, most of my time is spent on tasks that have direct impact on only a very small number of people. My husband, my children, some friends, and maybe a few strangers that the Lord puts in my path. There are no multitudes. But He calls me a fisher of men just the same as He calls the evangelist whose net is much wider. A fisherman is a fisherman because he is engaged in the task of catching fish. My line may only have room to catch one fish at a time. I may spend most of my energy trolling for the four little fish in my own pond (i.e. my children).

    But I am, indeed, a fisher of men. And if you know Jesus, He's called you just the same!  You don't have to wait for "someday" when you have an official ministry platform.  You have Good News, and the world needs it.  Don't disqualify yourself.  Just go fish!

Link

Remember my post "What does it mean to do all things to the glory of God?"

Go check out Matt's post "Is Excellence A Virtue?".

He is right on the mark, and his post has helped bring some context to my own struggle with the concept of "excellence", and how Christians should define or pursue it.

No Condemnation

What does it really mean, what does it really look like, to be dead to sin and alive to God, to walk free from all condemnation? 

I’ve been swimming around in the book of Romans lately, mostly in chapters 5-8.  Looking at Romans 8:1, I think the way I’ve usually I’ve usually heard this verse is with the connotation that “no condemnation” essentially equals freedom from guilt, sorrow, or remorse.  In my experience, the phrase “no condemnation” seems to be practically substitutable for “don’t worry about it” in Christian vernacular.  As in, “Oh, don’t feel bad, there’s no condemnation.”  I think that’s a shallow understanding, so I’m digging here until the Lord moves me on. 

   There is so much for me to learn in terms of living not only free from the consequences of sin, but actually living free from sin.  Like Jesus said to the adulterous woman after saving her from condemnation at the hands of the Pharisees “Neither do I condemn you, now go and sin no more.”

But how to walk this out…ah!  There is the rub.
 “Do you not know that to whom you present yourselves slaves to obey, you are that ones’ slaves whom you obey, whether of sin leading to death, or of obedience leading to righteousness.” 
I so often find myself essentially gritting my teeth and saying to sin “You’re not the boss of me!”  That’s better than intentionally embracing sin, but it is not the same as presenting myself to the Lord. 

I want to walk in the Spirit.

I want to, by the Spirit, put to death the deeds of the body. 

I am so with Paul on this one – “O wretched {wo}man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?”
C’mon, world, I know you feel it too… “For the earnest expectation of the creation eagerly waits for the revealing of the sons of God…because the creation itself also will be delivered from the bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children of God.”

     “No condemnation” does not only mean freedom from guilt, sorrow, or remorse.  But it does mean that if we are in Christ, we are not defined by our sin, its consequences, or the guilt, sorrow, or remorse that we feel when we do sin.
     I am in a place of pain at not walking in the reality of the freedom that I know is available to me.  BUT, this ache does not mean that I am defined by falling short of the mark.  It means that I have been given the gift of longing for God and His ways.

v. 11, 15 “But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you.  …  For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.””

 Therefore the LORD longs to be gracious to you,
         And therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you
         For the LORD is a God of justice;
         How blessed are all those who long for Him.
 O people in Zion, inhabitant in Jerusalem, you will weep no longer 
He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry; when He hears it, He will answer you.
 Although the Lord has given you bread of privation and water of oppression, He, your Teacher will no longer hide Himself, but your eyes will behold your Teacher.
 Your ears will hear a word behind you, "This is the way, walk in it,"
-Is 30:18-21

On Wisdom

I jumped into a conversation about wisdom, prompted by Kat's questions "How do you pursue Wisdom?" and "How do you learn best?"

I do glean a lot from books, blogs, conversation, audiobooks, etc. But I think most of what I glean is not truly wisdom as much as it is encouragement, neat ideas, or just interesting. Some of those resources do share wisdom, or inspire me to pursue wisdom. But for the most part I think the questions “How do you pursue wisdom?” and “How do you learn best?” may be related, but they are really not the same question.

        So if wisdom comes from God, how do we pursue it? And what is wisdom anyway? Is it some special brand of smart?

My favorite passage about wisdom is Proverbs 2:

1 My son, if you will receive my words

And treasure my commandments within you,

2 Make your ear attentive to wisdom,

Incline your heart to understanding;

3 For if you cry for discernment,

Lift your voice for understanding;

4 If you seek her as silver

And search for her as for hidden treasures;

5 Then you will discern the fear of the LORD

And discover the knowledge of God.

6 For the LORD gives wisdom;

From His mouth come knowledge and understanding.

I love this passage, and I love that this post and discussion have prompted me to revisit it. I guess the key things here that impact how I set my heart to gain wisdom are
        v.1 the essential centrality of the Word as beloved instructor,
        v.2 the required devotion of my attention and affection,
        v.3 the necessity of a response of sincere spoken prayer,
        v.4 the high value placed upon wisdom that produces diligent perseverance
        And the final key – the possession of wisdom is inseparable from the fear of the Lord and the knowledge of God.

        So, I pursue wisdom by setting my heart and my mind continually upon the Lord, devoting myself to long and loving meditation on the word and the person of Christ, speaking prayers to the God of the universe (believing that He hears every one), and valuing my communion with God as priceless above all else. For me, “long and loving meditation” in this season usually does not look like spending even an hour-long block of time giving my exclusive attention to a passage of scripture. It’s simply the grace-empowered setting of my heart on a pilgrimage into the heart of God. I want to fill my mind with thoughts of the Lord and His Word. I will seek you today Lord, and when Your Spirit woos me back from distraction I will start again, and again tomorrow, and still the next day, and still the next, and again, and again. And though 10 years from now I will have barely grasped a cupful of the infinite ocean that is called “the knowledge of God”, I will, by Your Grace, possess Living Water more than I have today. And therein, I find Wisdom.